Mission Accomplished

By George Walker Bush

I have succeeded in hoodwinking the American and British people into believing there were 9/11 terrorists in Iraq building nuclear weapons that they were going to aim at the United States and Britain;

I have succeeded in getting the public and Congress to let me invade Iraq, decapitate the Saddam regime, send the local Army home with its weapons, summarily dismiss every government worker because of their party affiliation, and screw up the infrastructure so badly during “shock and awe” that it will take a miracle to get everything back up and running again;

I have succeeded in suppressing the media’s reporting of what’s really going on in Iraq — from the war’s full toll on its citizens to the daily carnage in terrorist bombings and the mass exodus now under way — by keeping them holed up in the only supposedly safe area of Baghdad [although once in a while we let a terrorist come close to their hotel just to scare the bejeebers out of ’em] and by getting dittoheads like Rushbo & Hanno & Billo to castigate them for anything negative they write, under the guise that it’s an attack on our troops’ morale;

I have succeeded in saddling the American people with a debt they will take years to pay off, thanks to my shrewd way of not vetoing any pork-barrel projects during the six years of my reign while Republicans were in control of the purse strings, racking up humongous deficits the likes of which no Democratic Congress had ever seen. Now that those spendthrift Democrats are in charge, here comes that super-secret Veto pen, if I can only find it. Here somewhere. I’ll have to ask my Daddy where he hid it. But we have to keep a lid on Democratic spending so I can keep throwing money down that shithole in Iraq;

I have succeeded in keeping Osama bin Laden at bay so I always have a scapegoat I can point to and blame for the situations in Iraq, Afghanistan, Africa, and elsewhere. Damn those Iraqis for executin’ Saddam so fast, he had plenty of use still left in him. Must make sure nothing like that happens to bin Laden, unless the polls hit 20 percent, then it’s SELL like Wall Street has never seen before and I miraculously pull out the head of Osama bin Laden.

All in all, I would have to say I succeeded a lot in the last six years. Are we better off today than we were six years ago? He-he-he ... I sure am. Have you seen Halliburton’s stock lately?

On that note, my fellow Americans, I bid you, “Mission Accomplished."